


Weasleys' Wildest

by Chaotic_Smutty (Anna_Hopkins)



Series: Wizard Wheezes [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Crack, I might write a second version of this story as a retail AU, M/M, Monsterfucker Harry, PWP, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sex Toys, Sexual Humor, Smut, Snakeface Voldemort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:13:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22689802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna_Hopkins/pseuds/Chaotic_Smutty
Summary: George slung an arm around Harry's shoulders, grinning from ear to ear. "You see, Harrikins--"Fred popped his head out of the curtain in front of them. "Regular pranks aren't what paid for these jackets--""--and now you're seventeen, we can show you the real moneymakers--""--without feeling like a pair of weird uncles," Fred finished.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort, Harry Potter/Voldemort
Series: Wizard Wheezes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728475
Comments: 37
Kudos: 397





	Weasleys' Wildest

The eve of Harry’s seventeenth birthday was… eventful, to say the least.

Just after the rest of the house had gone to bed, an owl arrived from Fred and George -- whose excuse of needing to ‘mind the store’ kept them free of Mrs. Weasley’s bustling about over Bill and Fleur’s wedding -- insisting Harry needed to Floo over  _ immediately _ , “for important business discussion.”

In a monumentous display of common sense, Harry sent a reply with Hedwig to them, to confirm. (Hermione would be proud, if she were awake.)

The twins’ hyena and coyote, respectively, appeared twenty minutes later. “Goodness, Harry--”

“--so cautious, what an adult thing to do!”

“It’s almost like you’re--”

“--growing up!”

“But really, come over,” the Patroni chorused, disappearing.

The hearth spat Harry out onto a soft rug in the back room of Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, well-lit by a small chandelier he didn’t remember seeing the last time he’d come to visit. Fred and George sandwiched Harry in a hug, shouting, “Harrikins!”

“So glad you could make it--”

“We’ve got things you should see--”

“And not just to spare you Mum’s constant fussing--”

“Or keep you from getting any sleep.”

They jostled Harry into the main part of the shop, which was closed -- one might have expected that, as it was nearing one a.m., but after years of knowing the twins, Harry still could never predict them. Without the crowds he’d always seen filling the shop before, the main floor revealed itself to be rather large, after all. “What’s so important?” Harry asked, looking around. “Is it,” he lowered his voice, “Order business?”

“No, no,” Fred shook his head.

“Much more important than that,” George insisted, nodding to his brother, who slipped away and toward a door Harry hadn’t noticed earlier.

Frogmarched through the door and down the corridor, Harry soon faced an almost ominously black velvet curtain. “Erm,” he said eloquently. “What’s this?”

George slung his arm around Harry’s shoulders, grinning from ear to ear. “You see, my good wizard--”

Fred popped his heat out of the curtain in front of them. “Regular pranks aren’t what paid for these jackets--”

“--and now you’re seventeen, we can show you the real moneymakers--”

“--without feeling like a pair of weird uncles,” Fred finished.

He flung the curtain open with a flourish in time for George to push Harry through, catching himself before he fell over.

“Right,” Harry began, standing back up, “what’s all this, then--”

Then he stopped dead, taking in the sights around him.

Taking the broadest view of things, one could say the room Harry now stood in resembled the main shop of Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes in design, while occupying less floorspace. But that would miss the point: it was the  _ contents _ of the shelves, displays, boxes and trays that left him speechless.

“...This is a sex shop,” Harry finally observed in a faint voice.

“Not just  _ any _ sex shop,” Fred confirmed, “it’s the  _ best _ sex shop in Britain--”

“--unless you go for leather,” George confided in a stage whisper, “in which case you want Madam Broadstrop’s off of Knockturn--”

“Shut up a minute!” Harry put his face in his hands, going bright red. “When did you even  _ make _ all of these? These…” He held up a round, pale pink lolly. “... ‘Pecker Pops’?” he read, voice weak.

George chuckled. “One of our transforming sweets! One lick and it turns into a pecker as girthy as the original shape.” He plucked a reddish one from the display stand, unwrapped it, and gave it a lick -- the lolly promptly changed shape into a rather… substantial erection, which was dribbling purplish fluid from the tip.

“I’m beginning to see why Mrs. Weasley doesn’t approve,” Harry observed. He replaced the large Pecker Pop in his hand with a smaller one and unwrapped it. “So what’s the flavor on these?”

“It’s a standard multi-flavor enchantment,” Fred answered from across the room, where he was stacking something on a far shelf. “Changes to whichever of twelve flavors you’ll like the best.”

Cautiously, Harry put the end of the lolly on his tongue, and jumped as it lengthened, creeping over his tongue and toward his throat. He pulled it out of his mouth to look, leaving just the end of it on his tongue. “Rathb’rry,” he informed them, before engulfing the first couple of inches.

George, who had been watching him with an amused expression, hastily averted his eyes, leading Harry further into the room. His ears had gone a bit pink.

Fred rejoined them a minute later. "We just restocked all of our bestsellers," he said, glancing briefly at Harry's lolly and away at one of the shelves. "Some of them are adapted from our popular family-friendly product lines--"

"Like the Patented Daydream Charm," George supplied, gesturing at a shelf labelled 'Daring Daydreams'.

"Other things, we designed just for the W4 section," Fred continued, adding, "that's 'Weasleys' Wildest Wizard Wheezes', what we call this part of the shop."

Harry found that the tip of the lolly drooled especially-sweet raspberry syrup if he licked over the narrow hole at the end. A thin, shiny string connected his mouth and the Pecker Pop when he took it out to read aloud, "'Personal Puddings -- the companion custard to Pecker Pops'."

There were also ‘Lovely Lips’ -- enchanted lips in both candy and ‘natural’ flavors. “We originally meant to sell these as normal Wheezes until Angelina talked Fred out of it,” George admitted. “They could only do close-lipped kisses, after all.”

"She  _ did _ figure out how to add tongues and teeth for the improved version, though," Fred pointed out, with a gesture toward the (larger) display of 'Loose Lips'.

"So you hold them or something?" Harry asked around the raspberry mouthful, running it along the insides of his cheeks. The flavor seemed to get stronger toward the base of the sweet, so he worked his way down to it, swallowing the syrup it was leaking as he did.

"A-actually, they can be controlled with a thought," George corrected, voice cracking slightly. He cleared his throat. "They float on their own; we've adapted the charmwork for several products."

"Like 'Helping Hands'." Fred Summoned the box he'd just been putting on the far shelf: it was a neat wooden cube, which opened to reveal a pair of surprisingly realistic disembodied hands. Harry almost thought they  _ were _ real, flinching back in surprise.

"They only touch the people that give them permission, of course," he informed Harry, tapping the hands in the box with his wand and muttering a phrase. With somewhat eerie precision, the left hand rose from the box and tweaked Fred on the nose, ruffling his hair, and flicking his earlobe. "But unless George agrees to it," the hand approached the other twin's nose, fingers poised to flick, "it can't get within two inches."

George went to swat at the hand; it moved swiftly out of the way. "No molestation allowed," he agreed, rolling his eyes at his brother's antics. "Put the hand back, Fred, we've got more to show Harrikins than just 'Thing' here."

Harry peered at the poster on the wall where the other boxes were, pulling the lolly out of his mouth with a wet 'pop' to ask, "What's the 'Very Friendly' version?"

"Oh, they're a bit like Bludgers," George answered from farther away than Harry thought he'd been. "They'll go after the nearest permitting person and get handsy."

"So then," Harry licked the syrup welling at the end of the lolly before it could drip down the side, "molestation  _ is _ allowed?"

Fred laughed. "You can turn them back to normal quickly enough, though. Or if you like, outrun them -- they give up after fifty feet or so."

Harry gave a thoughtful hum around the raspberry lolly, scanning shelves of 'Buddly Bracelets' (sold in pairs, they transferred the sensations one person experienced onto the other), 'Pocket Partners' (orifices disguised as appointment books), and a fairly broad selection of sex toys that might have appeared in any Muggle sex shop, from what Harry had seen of London, albeit with added magical bells and whistles.

Suddenly, the lolly twitched on Harry's tongue, once, twice, and released a spurt of syrup in a thicker consistency against the back of his throat, pulsing several more times as Harry swallowed around it. "Mmh!" he exclaimed in surprise, eyes watering slightly, just before the lolly reverted to its original spherical shape, much smaller than it had started out.

He looked back up to find he'd almost walked into a towering display of possibly-magical dildos, under a large sign that read, 'Our Very Latest: Wildest Willies, Collectors' Edition' in sparkling, lurid purple letters.

"So these are the ones you guys made," Harry eyed them with mild interest. The phalluses were surprisingly subdued, compared to some of the neon-bright or strangely-shaped toys on other shelves: there was one variety per shelf, arranged by order of increasing size and girth, and each tier of the display bore fewer and fewer examples. The very top of the tower had just two angular, bone-white pricks on it, which looked to be stuck together.

Fred followed Harry’s gaze to the apex of the display. “Oh,” he coughed, “that one was Angelina’s idea. She reckons… erm…”

George picked up where he left off after a moment's hesitation, gone a bit red. "You-Know-Who's all snakey, right? And snakes have... two."

Harry blinked rapidly. "Two," he muttered, quite aware of the bright red flush creeping up his neck. He swallowed. "D'you think Voldie'd be mad, if he knew about this? 'U-No-Poo' was one thing, but this is a bit..."

The twins shared a glance between themselves, looking a bit flustered.

"...well, personal," Harry finished after a beat. "If you'd made something like this about  _ me _ without my permission, I know  _ I'd _ try and sue.”

"We didn't, though," Fred pointed out, alarmed.

"Yeah, that would've been weird," George added. "We'd have asked first."

"How many of these did you make, anyway?" Harry wondered, worrying his bottom lip in his teeth. "Just one?"

"Y-yeah," Fred stammered. "Angelina said one was more than enough for the joke."

“Well…” Harry swallowed, throat gone dry, and reached for it. “I think this is too far, you know? It’s probably better if you aren’t caught with it. At least if I hold onto it, Voldemort already wants to kill me, right?” He gave a weak laugh.

Fred and George shared a look behind his back.  _ ‘Monster fucker,’ _ George mouthed, glancing at Harry warily.

Fred shook his head, drawing his finger across his throat.

Harry had to stand on his tiptoes to reach the toy. When he finally had it in hand, it was... slightly warm to the touch, almost as if it were alive. Goosebumps ran up his arms.

"Have you, erm, got a box for this?" he asked, blinking at the twins with wide eyes.

While George rushed off to get the box from storage, Fred put his hands in his pockets, glancing between Harry and the dildo in his hands. "Y'know, Har'," he pointed out, deliberately casual, "you can pick out whatever you want in here, just like the main section."

**Author's Note:**

> This might become a series of AUs with Weasleys' Wildest Wizard Wheezes as the connecting theme.


End file.
